1. What’s a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.
2. My grandparents had resolutions like donating more time and money to charities. I’ve decided to make my own coffee once a week.
3. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
4. My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolution.
5. This New Year’s, I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
6. This New Year’s, I’ve resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.
7. What’s the one group that hates New Year’s Day? The New Year’s Eve cleanup crew.
8. I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
9. My resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.
10. Why did the man stand on one leg at midnight on New Year’s? He wanted to start the year on the right foot.